16 Ways to do Real Self-Care (and a few ways to do fake self-care)
A lot is said about “self-care” for mental health in popular culture, and I feels there’s some serious confusion about what that entails. Doing deep self-care means restoring/protecting your energy, and reflecting to direct it towards things that align with your values and goals.
Ways to do actual self-care:
Taking stock of which relationships in your life are high-integrity (who truly wants and pursues the best for you? Who do you truly enjoy or feel restored by? Who actually makes you feel uneasy, suspicious, unwanted, or used?)
Taking stock of what activities really energize you or heal you
Spending time doing those activities or interacting with those people
If it facilitates the above inner work, quiet walking in nature (introverted version) or group therapy/discussing with a friend (extroverted version)
Scheduling your time in accordance with your goals. Are the things that you’re giving most of your time the things that are most important to you?
De-cluttering your mental space with mindfulness practices and meditation
De-cluttering your physical space
Encouragement/anti-nihilism practices like gratitude (for example, at the start of each day think of one thing you’re looking forward to, and at the end of the day think of one thing you’re grateful for)
Journaling, with prompts like:
Is there something you worry over daily? Question and explore the narratives you tell yourself about it. For example, are you really okay with your situationship since “it’s just for fun and we’re figuring things out”—ask yourself, how does it honestly feel for you to be sleeping with someone who isn’t acknowledging you, keeps you a secret, or has a main partner?
Is there something that you’ve been wanting to say to someone else but holding in, and it’s just building and building? What might the consequences be of saying or not saying something, for you and for people around you? Do those make it worthwhile to say? Is it liable to eat you up inside or burst out one day in a way that harms your relationship? Often people have a go-to strategy, either inconsiderately burning bridges or bottling things up that need to be said. Taking the time for this more measured approach can help you decide consciously.
For more specific assistance with this reflection process, book an appointment for therapy.
Morning Pages free writing (see the work of Julia Cameron)
Forgiveness practice (see the work of Dr. Fred Luskin in his book “Forgive For Good”, on addressing betrayals/harms that were done to you in the past, in a way that reduces their effect on you and gets you unstuck.)
Enneagram practice for your type (see the work of Dr. David N. Daniels: https://drdaviddaniels.com/growth-for-type-1/ Find your enneagram type with a free online test and then use the specific growth practices he recommends for your type)
If you have been a bit walked over: Working on assertiveness, learning about it, practicing saying no, reflecting on interactions that were or weren’t assertive. For example, consider learning DEAR MAN https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/dear-man.php
If you have been walking over or harming others: lovingkindness meditation, imaginative empathy exercises
We must also point out what self-care is not.
PSEUDO SELF CARE
There is an endless list of (mostly female-targeted) grooming services misleadingly described as “self-care” in popular culture, that I would instead call “appearance maintenance” or “beauty labor”. The classic example is getting a manicure/pedicure. It’s a misleading, consumerist joke to call this self-care when really what you’re caring for is just your appearance. It is more accurate and useful to think of these things just as tools to present yourself in a certain way for whatever benefits that might bring you socially or professionally. But your appearance is not your intrinsic “self”, so don’t mistake appearance maintenance for deeper self-care.
“Retail therapy”
mani-pedi
Skin care routines/facials (some find this time meditative, but in that case we should conceptualize it as meditation)
Salon or medi-spa services, Facial hair design services including eyebrow shaping/waxing, eyelash extensions, microblading
There is also a middle ground with activities that can be helpful for other reasons.
First we have merely “relaxing”. These alone are not necessarily deep self-care, but they may provide the time/energy/space for it:
Going on a vacation trip
Spa day activities including facials, special baths, and massages (unless you’re doing specific meditation/mindfulness practices)
What I would call “health maintenance” (also helpful for increasing your energy):
Nutrition improvements like drinking green juice and avoiding sugar
Yoga
Going to the doctor, dentist, or physical therapist
Sleep hygiene and other circadian rhythm management including fasting
Adhering to prescribed medications
“Nutritious movement” (see the work of Katy Bowman)
Finally, we come to obviously-harmful relaxing activities that I would instead call quasi-drug or literal drug use. Escapist and damaging, to be avoided:
Alcohol
Cannabis and other drugs
Pornography
Gambling
Summary of what it means to do “Real Self-Care”:
Set boundaries, with the goal of improving the integrity and alignment of your life. Cut out things you honestly hate and people who honestly hate you (or vice versa). And once you’ve cleared the weeds of your life, freeing space and resources for crops, you have the energy to push yourself towards things and people you enjoy, that it might have been too tiring or threatening to pursue before. Protect and cultivate your energy.
Seek out life-giving activities in terms of growth, meaning/purpose, energy, and connection. Quiet your mind to get in touch with internal wisdom on how to do that.
Warning: if any purchases are involved (eg. getting your nails done), take a moment of caution to ask yourself who benefits. Consumerist pseudo self-care is a trap meant to get your money.
